Hold the line

I hate feeling like this. So anxious, I'm close to jumping out of my skin. These are feelings left over from a previous existence when I didn't know how to deal with life. The jittery notions of walking out, slamming the door and running anywhere. Too scared to leave, too tired to run and too broken to be strong. I need one day, one day, where my Dad isn't gone, Charlie sleeps through the night, Mumbles' isn't being bull headed, my boss isn't a jerk and I feel connected...
Normal...
          Routine...
                    Quiet...

What to do? Say hell with it, quit my job, and start getting drunk at two in the afternoon? No, I don't have that luxury. Who would pick up the baby?
                                                     Take Mumbles to softball practice?
                                                                                                      Wash diapers?
                                                                                                                          Ask Micha about his day?

Instead, I will bite back tears, keep my butt firmly planted in this chair until four o'clock and busy my hands to steady my nerves until night falls. Then, when it's just Micha and I, I'll let it go. Tomorrow will be better. Hold the line 'til then.