Post-Holiday Hangover

There have been two times in my life that I can remember thinking about my life. Once, at the very end of my teens when I was pregnant with Mumbles and facing some very big decisions and now, at the beginning of my 30's with my life half lived. When I was at the end of my teens facing the beginning of my adult life and about to become responsible for another, I knew that I had to do some things differently. I couldn't skate by doing the minimum without goals or aspirations. I worked two, sometimes three jobs and went to school, missing out on time I wanted to spend with Mumbles', all the while thinking this would afford us more time together later. "Suck it up and plow through for now so that in a few years, I can get a regular 9 to 5 and make it up to her", I thought. More than 10 years later, I have a regular 9 to 5 except I have to leave at 7:15 to make the commute, to be there by 8 and then half an hour for lunch so I leave at 4:30 but the commute means I won't be home until 5 and then it takes half an hour to unwind because I literally hate every minute of it.


Now I know that some where out there, there's some nit-wit who read Eat Pray Love and is thinking to themselves, "Well if you don't like your life change it. If you hate your job, then quit." That is easier said than done since now I have student loans that have to be paid and a mortgage to make every month, not to mention the car payment, insurance and gas to drive back and forth to what I am convinced is God's way of punishing me for misbehaving from ages 15 to 18. All in search of the American Dream. Hadn't I wanted this? A house, a car, two kids and a fenced yard. I hated staying in apartments to be sure, but at least when I lived in them, I was home to live in them. Some days I go down to the basement, a room that was meant to be a place for us to relax and hang out as a family, and I don't recognize it. Some times I look at Mumbles and I don't recognize her. I still want to buy her Tinkerbell underwear but then I realize she's no longer a girls size, it makes me want to cry. "It could be worse. You could be living in a thatch hut and eating bugs while your friends and neighbors die of starvation or dysentery." True, that would be worse, but isn't there some place between spinning my wheels and starving? At least when I was 19 and thinking about my life, I had hope. Now, I feel so...stuck.


Don't think that I'm just sitting around feeling sorry for myself....I feel sorry for everyone! All of us who bought into the bigger, better, faster mentality that dominated the 80's only to have the reality of over-consuming come crashing down on our heads. And I really love my house and my family. In fact, I love them so much, I want more of them. I want to spend more time in my house with my family, not working to pay for things that do not make me happy. As for the things that I've already wasted my money on, I've decided if I don't love or need it, I'm not keeping it.

The End of Our Breastfeeding Journey

I didn't even realize it until it was over. I sat down to fold some laundry and realized Charlie hadn't nursed in a couple of days. The next time I offered, he looked at me like I was crazy. There was no discomfort from engorgement or tantrum tears; it was just over. Around his first birthday, I'd stopped pumping at work. Pumping not being my favorite thing and being nearly impossible at the insane job I was working. Charlie still nursed when we were together; at night and on the weekends. But as the nights went on, Charlie nursed shorter and shorter periods of time until eventually he just didn't nurse at all.

Like with many things, I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I am glad that, hormonally speaking, I am feeling normal again. I don't have to think about what I'm wearing and how easy or difficult it might be to nurse in. On the other hand, I miss the time bonding with Charlie. I miss getting to take a 'time-out' when family gatherings got too overwhelming or I'm just tired and want to rest.

When I was pregnant with Charlie, I decided that I was going to nurse him as long as possible, in order to give him the best possible start in life. My goal was to exclusively breastfeed for the first 6 months, which we very nearly met. Shortly before he was 6 months, we started giving him a bit of rice cereal to try keep him satisfied during the day when I wasn't able to pump enough to keep up with him. We marched on to 1 year, Charlie getting a few ounces of formula to supplement. Now at nearly 15 months, he eats what we eat and goes through about 1 gallon and a half of whole milk per week. Overall, I feel good about our journey together even though this part of it is over a little sooner than I would have wished.

Elvis Has Left the Building

Exhibit A

A few months ago, Micha brought home a kitten that his parents found in our boat which we keep in their barn. He's a cute tuxedo kitten named Elvis but he is a holy terror (see exhibit A).

A few weeks ago Elvis disappear and we haven't seen him since. We've contacted our local animal control and posted his info. on a lost pet website. Obviously it's pretty cold and we are concerned. My hope is that he's wandered into someone else's home and he's warm and safe, terrorizing someone else's house plants. In fact, I think he frequently tried to make himself at home at our very gracious neighbors house on several occasions.

At any rate, if you've seen our holy terror...er....cuddly kitty, please let us know.

Elvis is a black and white male. He's been neutered and has a tattoo to prove it on his underside. He likes to snuggle, poops in house plants and will terrorize your dog.

Long time, no see

After a long hiatus, I think I'm ready to start blogging again. It's been several months and much has happened. Most recently for me, job changes...yes two in a matter of 6 1/2 months. The company I was working for was looking at having to lay some people off and so I accepted another Administrative Assistant position...or so I thought. Needless to say, things did not work out but it was a good experience. I learned a lot about myself and what I was capable of but also, it reminded me about the kind of life I want to have. I realized how easy it is to be seduced into believing that more money brings more happiness. I can tell you, at least for me, it's not true. That job was exhausting and began to take over my life. I spent less and less time with my family and more time trying to unwind from my increasingly stressful days. All the while I kept telling myself that if I stuck it out, the payoff would be worth it. Someday, I'd have a better position within the company, making more money. It satisfied the ambitious side of me that wants to compete and be professionally successful. I found myself looking at bigger houses and nicer cars. I had forgotten that none of those things would make me happy or truly fulfill me.

So I am working again as Administrative Assistant. The work is easy but there's plenty of it. I leave at the end of everyday and my work stays at work. I'm never late picking up Charlie and Micha and Mumbles are starting to recognize me again. A ton has happened. Charlie turned one, Mumbles whacked off all her hair, we got a new kitty and lost the new kitty, and Micha graduated...again. I'll do my best to fill in the gaps....yeah, I picked the busiest time of year to pick up blogging again. Obviously, I'm delirious.